Finals are Over

I'm so happy! I passed everything this semester. To most people, that's probably not that exciting because they do that every semester without a problem. But for me, and the last year and a half wild ride my mind has been on, this is an extraordinary thing. I haven't passed every single course I'm taking since the first semester of my freshman year at SFA.

It honestly has me reinvigorated and ready for next semester to begin. I'll be taking college algebra, intro to theatre, and photography. The photography class isn't a credit course, but I'm taking it for me. I love photography, I've always been interested, but over the last year it's become a huge passion of mine. It's going to be fun to see how much I can learn, and how much my photography can grow from this class. I may even take the Photography II class in the fall, but I'm not sure.

So let's talk about grades. The most exciting grade is my Biology lab final grade... A 100!!!! I was so surprised. I kept telling my mom he had to have made a mistake somewhere. But that grade is still up there! And the other exciting one is my Texas Government final grade, which is a 92. How exciting is that too?? I felt so happy and so proud of myself for making those grades.

That's all I have to share right now. Now that the semester is over, I wanted to share my good news about the grades and mention a bit about my positive attitude for next semester. I guess that's kind of some good news from my front!

Kaylee

Last Night's Crazy Events

I was trying really hard to get this written and up before 7 tonight, but my phone was refusing to work for me. So I had to wait until I got home. Anyway, here's my harrowing story.

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On Thursday, December 1st, around 9 PM, I started the trek toward San Marcos. For the past few months, I've been having some serious problems with my front passenger tire. Before I saw Jonathan for our anniversary I had the tire looked at and it turned out there was a screw in it. That explained why it kept going low on me. So we had it patched, had my ties aired up, and I left. Well, when I got back home, we noticed that my tire just kept getting low again. Mom bought a can of fix-a-flat and it's been fine since, not even losing much air over the last two weeks.

Well besides the tire continuing to get low, my car has been shaking pretty bad, as well as pulling to the right really hard. Jonathan wasn't comfortable driving it when I was here in November, that's how bad the pulling was. But the shaking and wobbling was what was really getting to me. I couldn't go a hair past 70 MPH without the car feeling like it was going to fall apart. Mom and I figured a new tire and a possible realignment would fix these things. But we were needing to wait until we had the money for those things.

Starting early this week, I noticed my front driver tire was starting to get low, but I ignored it. Mom told me before I left for classes Thursday afternoon (where I would start my trip from) that I needed to get it aired up. I stopped by QT (which have free air by the way) and put some air in my tire, and I also checked my left one. Everything seemed fine.

And it was. Just the usual amount of shaking and wobbling and uncomfortable grinding.

Then it happened.

Right before 11 PM, on the outskirts of north Waco, I felt a tire go out.

If anyone doesn't know, last summer, the summer of 2015, I was driving down to San Marcos to live with Jonathan for the summer. I ended up hitting something and blowing out two tires on my old car. Luckily I was only an hour out of town and my mom and brother were able to come to rescue. Three hours later, I was able to be back on my way.

Well, I was not just an hour away from home, and it was the middle of the night. I immediately burst into hysterics, trying calmly and slowly to pull my car onto the very small shoulder right by an exit. I called my mom and started crying and screaming, in total disbelief that this could be happening to me again. I said I didn't know which tire it was, maybe both. She told me to pull onto the access road.

I made my way down the ramp slowly, constantly screaming the mantra, "How is this happening to me again?" All the while my mom is talking in my ear, trying to calm me down.

Luckily there was an old gas station right off the access road with a paved driveway I could pull into. I was able to calm down a bit once I was off the highway, but I was still freaking out because I had no idea what I was going to do. When I got out of the car, I found that it was the front driver tire that had blown, the one that had just recently shown signs of having a problem.

It was then I remembered I have a spare, under the trunk of my car. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to get it down.

Now for the upswing!

That part of I-35 has a lot of construction, so they've had cop cars out there, not sure why, but I'm definitely never questioning it again. I told my mom there was a cop right across from me, sitting with his lights on. She told me to go talk to him.

Thank the heavens above, he was able to come over and help me. He also called for back up, so next thing I knew, two other cops pulled up, unloading jacks and equipment to get the tire off and put the spare on. During all of this, I'm still on the phone with my mom, narrating what's happening and speculating what could've happened. She suggested I ran over something or that I over filled the tire with air.

The three officers didn't talk to me much, besides asking questions and making sure I was watching to see how to get the spare down. But I didn't mind because I had my mom. But also because it was so much more relaxing for me to hear them bantering and joking than it would've been if they were constantly checking on me. I was able to laugh and enjoy some company, erasing the bad memory and filling it in with an example of good cops.

After the new tire was on, I was told I needed to fill it with air. They also told me it had blown out. I hadn't run over anything, I didn't overfill, the tire had just run its course in life. I shook hands with the original officer and gave my thanks, trying to hold back from hugging him.

While still talking with my mom, I made my way to a gas station where I filled the tire and then started back on my way to the highway.

It wasn't until I was back on the highway that I noticed the difference.

There was no shaking, no wobbling, grinding, or pulling. It was driving like a whole new car. When I exclaimed to my mother what was happening, she questioned if there had been a bump on my old tire. Then I remembered looking at the blown out tire, before it was loaded into my trunk, and feeling what looked to be a sizable raised hump.

More than likely, I had hit a curb during the summer and put a bubble into my tire, which then caused the problems I had been blaming on the passenger tire. This blow out resulted in a fixed car. For the most part. I still need to get new tires, now more than ever.

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That's my crazy, horrible night. I got so very lucky that there were officers nearby who were willing to help me out. I also discovered the problem with my car. While it was a pretty terrible time, so much good came from it. Hopefully I have better car luck in the future.

Thank you to my mom for staying on the phone with me while this all happened.
And thank you to the three police officers from McLennan County who helped me out. You'll never know how grateful I am to you.

Alright folks, that's a wrap. Keep your tires fresh people.
Kaylee

Welcome Back!

Oh hey! Where have you been?
What? No! I've totally been posting for the past month.
YOU'RE the one who hasn't been here....

Okay, I guess you caught me. I've been a bad blog owner. But I'm back! I hope..

I've found myself staring at a blank new post screen many times over the past almost two months, but somehow or another my mind is whisked off in another direction. I'm sorry it's so been so long. School has really been a big weight on me, not to mention work. I end my days feeling bogged down and too tired to do anything. It really shouldn't impede my work. This is my job, and it's an important part of me. If I lose sight of it, I lose something of myself.

So let's do a bit of updating.
-School has been okay. It sucks cause it's school, but I still really enjoy my teachers. I have an exam and a paper due on Tuesday and I'm a bit worried about them. I just hope I can get it all done.
-Work has been awful. I'm so done with this job and it's only been two and a half months. Looking for other jobs already. I just really need something that is mentally challenging and satisfying. Yesterday, I spent a good hour looking up writing jobs. No luck. If you have anything, PLEASE send it my way!
-Our four year anniversary was this week. We spent the weekend before together, celebrating ang enjoying what little time we had before the real world decided to rear its ugly head again.

Alright, on to less boring things.

I have literally been craving activity lately. Exercise, writing, reading, photography, making videos. But I feel like I have no time to do the things I want to do, what I feel like I need to do in order to be happy and content and at least freaking satisfied.

Life is hard, y'all. And my life isn't even that hard, not compared to the reality of peoples lives out there. But I'm not diminishing what I see as hard, or what someone else sees. Everyone has their own version of what a hard life looks like.

ANYWAY, off that tangent.

The need to be doing something productive is hitting hard with me. But I can't start videos until I learn how to edit. And really I need a lot more time for that kind of thing. So it might have to wait until summer. I feel like I'm always saying that. But it is really something I want to do, so I think it will happen, one way or another.

The exercise thing I could totally be accomplishing on my own, but laziness and tiredness get in the way. When I do have the energy to do something good for myself, I don't because I want to relax instead of moving. Definitely a project for improving my self worth.

Writing and reading... That one I do all the time! I'm reading a book called My Paris Dream by Kate Betts, and I absolutely LOVE it. I raved about it on my Instagram. I'll probably do a post on it. I need to make posts for several books. Honestly it'd be easier just to video... I wonder if I'm able to just post my videos on here? That would be a good transition.. Then I don't have to be so wrapped up in what I want my channel to look like, cause I already have a feel and view of what my blog is. I can't believe I've never thought of that before... Hmm.
Oh yeah writing! I'm doing lots of that. I started a book recently, and I'm attempting to force myself to only write that. It's super hard. During the Halloween month, I kept getting distracted by ideas for witches. As soon as October was over, so was the witch thing. However, I recently stumbled across an old story of mine and holy crap! It wasn't bad. I was actually super impressed with my writing. It was the kind of sophisticated writing I wish I had now. Maybe my confidence is faltering. So I am working on both of those, the new story and the old one I discovered the other week.

Okay and the photography craving. I am actually going to take a photography class next semester! I'm super excited for it. Definitely going to learn more than I have ever known. Not much to say about it haha, just excited. Also! There's probably going to be a photo dump post soon. I really love the things I've captured, and I want to share them with my friends:)

Well, I'm not sure there's anything else to talk about. Not interested in discussing the Presidential Election. I'm mourning and hoping these next four years just fly by.

That's all for now.
Keep being fresh and tune in next week!
Kaylee



PS- I don't know if you have noticed, but besides spelling, I don't edit my posts. I don't have the patience. Stories? I'll edit those all day long. But there's something about a blog post and essays, I hate editing them. Okay bye!

This is angry.

Guys, I'm sorry it's been so long. I'm actually not going to share this one on Facebook cause I'm not in the mood to get advice and friendly reminders from family. 

I'm tired. I still have two textbooks to buy, my phone bill is late, and my car payment is coming up. And I found out I'm not getting my first paycheck until next week, even though I've worked for two weeks and everyone else got paid today. It's also the day after my car payment is due and they don't allow extensions. 

I hate money. 

I'm not going to get all political, but man am I freaking angry about capatilism right now. I'm so down in money, I've been looking into getting a loan. I have $2 in my bank account for the next week. Oh, and I need gas. 

I don't care if I sound like a whiny brat. I'm pretty sure I have a right to when my job isn't paying me when they're supposed to. 

I'm done. This is all I have to say. I was going to write a nice fluffy piece about my life and my job, but I'm too angry so you're getting this unedited thing. 

This is as pure a window into my life as it can get. 

A Confusing Time

Okay, so I know I told you guys I was going to talk about classes and stuff, but that's boring. Here's the gist: classes are good, I can't afford books, I'm scared of government, and I'm working out! Also I have a job now! Alright, the catch up is done. But the blog isn't over yet!

I decided I wanted to talk about emotional stuff. 

My mom and I are on the road to her aunt's in West Texas, and you know how some songs just make you really think about life? Well we listened to several of those. 

I just feel really lost when it comes to the future right now. I have so many different avenues running through my head and I'm not sure which path is the right one. I don't think I've ever been this confused about anything. There are just so many things to do in life and I don't want to miss out on any of it. And I'm terrified that one path or another will prevent me from doing what I want. But if another path ruins my life? Or isn't enough? What if I'm not happy with what I choose?

I still really want to go to university, but I'm at the point where I don't know if now is the right time to. I feel like I could try to do the big things I want now, and get back to my degree at a later date. Or do I get my degree over with and then take a couple years to do awesome things? But what if I run out of time while finishing school? 

There are just so many consequences to whatever I choose. How do I know if it's the right one? A feeling? Will I feel happy?

And what would I do with my self if I didn't go to school? Well, I'd want to travel and write and document my time, via YouTube and blogs and magazines and online travel sites. And that's awesome, I think. But where's an income? The article I turn in once a month? But without a degree i won't be getting much. I could publish a book. But what about while I'm writing? I don't even want to get my degree in journalism! I did at one point. But I've infatuated myself with the idea of being the female Indiana Jones, except less fights, more academia. 

I just don't know. It's just such a baffling and staggering thing to admit. That I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. And I want so badly to focus on the now, but I'm just not that person. I'm a future person. Always have been. 

If anyone has any advice at all, please share. I could really use it. 

Kaylee

Yo It's a Post

Well school starts for me in just under a week. I’m only taking three classes, and only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. One of my classes I actually share with one of my closest friends. We’re already making plans to eat breakfast together before class and work out together during the second part of class. I’m also taking Biology and Texas Government.

I’ve started missing SFA a lot more within the past week. My mom and I keep expecting me to start packing up and leave for school on Friday. It’s going to be pretty weird this semester, staying at home, only going part time, and trying to work as much as possible.

Guys I really don’t have much to say. That’s why this post is late. I have had no idea what to write about. I guess the most important thing that has happened is that I finally have a possible name for my anger management problem.

Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). I’ve known that I have anger problems for a couple years and my mom accepted it summer before freshman year of college. We had talked a little about therapy and medication, for my anxiety and the anger, but I didn’t want medication and I wasn’t remembering to go to my appointments at SFA. I looked up IED and read the symptoms to both my mom and Jon (at different times), and they both agreed that it sounded like me when I got angry. If anyone’s interested in knowing what I’m like or how I act when I get angry, you can read the symptoms on Mayo Clinic’s website.

Anyway, my mom and I are going to be looking into finding a new doctor for me in this area, and eventually getting a referral for a psychologist or a psychiatrist in order to do a full psych evaluation. I’d like to know exactly what’s up in my head. Eventually it could lead to medication and hopefully temper my problems.

And besides those awesome things, I binged and finished Bates Motel on Netflix. They only had three seasons, but I can’t wait for the fourth one to be added. Also I re-watched Teen Wolf on Amazon Prime. They have all seasons that are currently out, which is five. Before I went to SFA, I watched what they had of the show on Netflix, which was only two seasons. It’s been nice. For an MTV show, I think it’s pretty awesome. The acting is great, the cinematography is great, and the plots are interesting. I love it. Before yesterday, I was getting through a season a day. I mean that’s only 10 to 12 episodes a day, but still.

Okay, well that’s all I have for now. I’ll update late next Thursday after all my classes. Speaking of, because my classes are Tuesdays and Thursdays and run late, I’m going to have to change the update day again. I’m thinking Sunday nights will make the most sense. I’ll wait until the beginning of September before I decide on a new day.

Okay, byeeeee.

Kaylee

In Which I Question My Life

I’m sitting in my towel, listening to the Panic! radio station on Spotify, and contemplating life. Also I just sent out a really angst worthy tweet questioning why we don’t do everything we can while we’re here. Which is exactly what this post is going to be about. Except all about me, not the human race.

Today, someone I went to high school with just announced she’ll be starting Flight Attendant training soon. Congrats to her. And as I continued scrolling through Facebook, I found another friend from high school who had shared a super cute picture of her and a friend in their Attendant uniforms. I hadn’t even realized she was a flight attendant, but now her posts from all over the states and England make sense. Without thinking too hard about it, I sent a message her way asking about what airline she worked for, and she graciously responded she would send me an email later detailing the pros and cons about the job. I shortly began researching what to do to become a Flight Attendant, as well as taking a gander at the airlines that the girls work for.

Now you’re probably wondering, “You did this all in a towel?”

No, I didn’t. After starting my research, I took a break so I could take a shower. During the shower I started thinking of the show Pan AM and about how cute a book series I could make with a 50s/60s era flight attendant and her adventures (her name is Annie and she signs her name with a heart over the ‘i’). And then I started thinking about the research, which got me excited cause research is awesome, and then my brain went, “What better research is there than actually doing that job?”

I realized then why I had emailed my friend and why I was doing research on the companies, and even why Annie was a thought in my head. I want to do that. I want to see the world and the country and meets lots of people and just travel. Maybe not as a flight attendant, but in some capacity.

Now it wasn’t some big epiphany, cause honestly, I’ve always known I wanted to travel the world. But as I stood in front of the mirror and settled my glasses back onto my nose, I questioned myself, “Why not do everything while you can?”

Why not travel? Because I don’t have the money.

Well you just gotta work for a savings and you’re set.

Why not write a book? Because I’m not focused enough.

Set a word count or page amount for every other day, two months later you could have half a book or a whole book.

Why not start a YouTube? I’m shy, I have nothing to say, no one will watch me.

They all thought that and look how far some of them have come.

Why not do the things you want?

Because I’m scared.

Ah. That’s why I won’t do everything I want. Because of fear. But that can’t be an excuse forever.

College is very important to me, but so is living my life. All I think about is finishing school so I can start my life, but why hasn’t it already started? I’m 20 years old, I should have some great memories, and I do. But not all the ones I want. I want so much more from this world, and I could achieve it if I just tried.

I want to finish college someday. But maybe for now I should just finish my associates and start chasing those dreams. I can write and travel without a degree, I’ve known that forever, but I’ve been too afraid to actually pursue it. Well now’s the time. Now is the time to start following and chasing my dreams, anyway I can. No matter what it costs me.

But I have to ask my mom.

Kaylee 

This One is Short

Oh man, I forgot to celebrate the 50th post. I didn't even notice that it was the 50th post. Why am I so bad at this thing? I freaking celebrated the 40th post, but not the 50th? Okay, we're past it, let's move on.

So I haven't been able to work the past two days because I've been sick. It really sucks and I'm not sure my phone bill is gonna be covered. We also have a trip this weekend for Chey's birthday. It's her 21st and I'm super excited to celebrate it with her. I'll also be back in Nac, so I'm hoping to see other friends and people too. The only problem is paying for gas and food for this weekend.

Anyway, I've been in a crazy writing mood, but haven't actually written anything since I've been feeling sick and have been spending my days guzzling water, watching YouTube, and trying not to throw up. I think I'm going to try writing some stuff tonight, just to get it out of my system. Hopefully something will come out.

Okay, well this is all for now. I'm not feeling that great and I need to give my dog a bath.

Bye guys.
Kaylee

Being Adult-ish

I think being an adult is probably one of the hardest things to do. Being a kid and being a teenager is pretty easy, or it can be sometimes. But since I've become an "adult," so many things have become so much harder. Even my anxiety has gotten worse. I cry at least once a day now, because of the pressures of acting like an adult, being an adult, taking care of responsibilities like an adult.

So we all remember that I just got a new job? Well, I was told I would be working four days a week, which would've been perfect, income-wise. So far I've worked three weeks, two of those I worked three days, and this week I've only worked two. I can't pay my phone bill till the 1st of July, and I'm not sure what's going to happen with my car payment. Also I have defensive driving stuff to take care of, which is not only more money, but more time that I simply don't have.

Now, I'm not saying I don't like being an adult, because I do. Honestly. The problem is transitioning. My mom and I never had that much money in the first place, but we always made it through our hardest situations. But I don't have her help out here, for several reasons. 1. Shecan't afford it. 2. I don't want to ask to her. 3. She already paid for everything for the first 18 years of my life, it's my turn to start paying. I'm 20 after all, and if I can't pay my own tickets, my car payments, or my phone bill, where will I be when I'm 25, or 30?

Being an adult is really fucking hard. Making payments, buying groceries and gas, making sure the pets are taken care of, making sure you're not spending money on stupid things. That's being an adult. Realizing you have responsibilities and that if you don't take care of them, no one will. It's welcoming the fact that you're on your own, not as a bad thing, but as a stepping stone to becoming a responsible human being.

I can barely pay my bills, but I am paying them. And someday I won't be struggling. Someday the budget on paper will work out as good in real life. But for now, I'll buckle up, find a second job, and plow through life as carefully as possible.

You guys stay fresh.
Kaylee

Corpus Cristi

Hey guys! So first off, I officially started work last Friday. And I almost died my first day. I guess it was a combination of sleep deprivation, hunger, and heat, but I got real dizzy, my ears were ringing to the point I couldn't hear myself talking, my vision went black, and my co-workers told me my lips had started to turn blue. My only guess for what happened was that I wasn't getting enough oxygen to my brain and I had started suffocating. So that was scary as hell. And it was only my first day! But every day after has been fine. I got a little dizzy my second day but I kept drinking water and reminding myself to breathe. For my job, I'm in the stock room, where I hang apparel. Literally, just pull clothing out of the box, tag if it needs to be tagged, put on hanger, and put on rack. Sometimes I run the clothes out there, sometimes I don't. The worst part is that I have to wake up at 7 AM. But next Monday and Tuesday they have me coming in at 6:15. Not looking forward to that at all. Except that I get off before 11. That's nice. 

Anyway, the real reason we're all here today is so I can talk about Corpus Cristi. My mom, brother, sister-in-law, and their daughter took a trip Monday through today. Corpus is only about a two and a half hour drive from here (when I'm driving anyway), so I decided to go down there on Tuesday and leave on Wednesday. It was a lot of fun. I haven't spent a lot of time with that brother and sister-in-law recently because they live farther away than my other brother and his family, who I try to see almost every time I'm home. 

We went to the beach both days I was there, and while it's not as pretty as Galveston or South Padre, I still got some great shots. My good camera was sitting in my back seat the whole trip, so all my pictures are from my iPhone. Not that I mind. iPhones take great pictures. 

For dinner on Tuesday we went to a place called Oso, which is a fishing pier, bait shop, and restaurant. My brother told me the pier had been there for 50 years, when the shop originally opened. My mom talked to the owner, a young woman who looked like she was 20 to maybe 25. She had bought the shop several years ago and after acquiring a partner in 2014, decided to open the restaurant part of it. Their food was amazing. I just got a simple grilled chicken sandwich, but the bun was sweet and soft, the chicken was delicious, and they put this kinda spicy sauce on it that was perfect. It was a cute little place, located right before the bridge that goes toward the A&M campus. 

On Wednesday we drove out to Mustang Island and hung out at the National Park. It's only $5 a person, and they have bathrooms and showers, camping, fishing, and several sites for RVs. The water was a lot choppier over there, cause it was the straight up ocean instead of just the bay. I loved the waves over there. 

Alright! Time for pictures!

All three of the last pictures are from Oso. The top one is my mom, sister-in-law, and niece outside of our hotel, enjoying the beach. I don't know what happened with the watermark. It worked perfect for the first picture and then decided to derp out for the others. Don't know why. Couldn't fix it. Oh well. 

Okay guys, that's it. Have a fresh weekend!

Kaylee

(Also something that was really humbling to see was a great big memorial for the Orlando victims. It was on Tuesday night, right on the waterfront by a park. Hundreds of people were gathered to pay tribute. My thoughts are with all the victims' families during this time.)

As I Watch the Clock Tick

Lame title, right? It's because that's exactly what I've been doing for almost three weeks. Sitting in Jon's apartment, waiting to hear back for jobs. Well I finally received my call for orientation today. I'll be beginning work at Ross tomorrow. Unfortunately, it's looking like that's not going to be enough income for me and my bills, so I'm also looking and applying for a second part-time job to cover my nights.

I'm very excited to start work, and finally get some retail experience under my belt. Plus I really miss doing something with my days. While it's nice to sleep the day away and watch Netflix all night, I really need something to keep me occupied. Plus if I'm making money, Jon and I can get started on transitioning our diets and menus into healthier food.

He already works noon to 9, so that's another reason I want a second job. So I have something to do while he's working. Being on the go constantly will hopefully be able to help with planning healthy food options, and preparing healthy dinners beforehand. I kinda want to be that healthy mom, even though I don't have a kid (except for the dog and cat). But Jon doesn't take care of himself food wise, so I need to.

I really want to be that person that plans out meals and writes them on the chalkboard for the week. And I feel like I could do that, but I need the money and the time, and the freaking patience. I want to be one of those women who actually does the projects she pins on Pinterest, and actually makes the recipes. I've done two recipes and a few projects, but I want my whole place to be an accumulation of my whole Pinterest career. If you want to check out my Pinterest and follow me there, here's the link: https://www.pinterest.com/kaylie153/.


Have a fresh night,
Kaylee

My Kinda Goodbye to Nac

I was going to write a farewell to Nacogdoches and all my friends, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I know it's going to make me cry. So instead all I have to say is: Nac you were wonderful. You provided a place for me to learn and grow and meet lots of amazing people. Friends, thank you for being by my side and loving me and showing me what a sisterhood is. Friends from Jimmy John's, thank you guys for being my first work friends, for being patient, and for letting me laugh and work with all of you.

I know I was only there for two years, but it seemed like a lifetime. In all the best of ways. And though it could be months before I'm there again, I will think about Nac and my friends all the time. Because they changed me. They made me better.

As I start new adventures, I have to thank the place and people that were my first adventure, the beginning of my long journey. It was in Nac that I realized what I wanted to do with my life, and if I hadn't made a stop there, I don't know where I would be. Thank you.

Guys that's all I can say before I burst into tears and call Chey bawling.

Stay fresher than most.
Kaylee

Hi Friends

I was going to write a post about how things have been recently, but too much has happened for me to put in a simple post right now. I literally don't have the patience. So instead, I thought I would do something fun.

A lot of you are my family and friends, but I know that I do also get audience from Google+ and Twitter, possibly from people who don't know me that well. Even my friends and family may not know me that well. So I'm going to talk about myself, give some facts, maybe some favorites, and a little about my life. Things that you don't already know obviously.

• My name is Kaylynn, but on the blog I go by Kaylee. On my other social media, it's Kaylie. "Kaylee" is my dad's spelling of the name, and when I first created the blog, I wanted to distance my every day life from it. But now I believe it is a part of me. So I embrace Kaylee and Kaylie. 
• If you want to find me on social media, my username for almost everything is kaylie153. My Tumblr is keeperkeys. 
• I am 20 years old, and impatiently awaiting my 21st.
• I have four pets at home: Little Dog, the long haired chihuahua; Zou-Zou (or Kitty), the cat; Gizmo, the shih tzu; and Cassidy, the German Shepherd mix.
• I live in Texas, born and raised.
• I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 and a half years.
• There are over ten cities on my list of places I want to live for at least six months. (Idea for a blog post?)
• My favorite color is purple.
• My favorite number is 9 because it was my favorite age. 
• My friends mean everything to me.
• Here's something I really don't want my mom to see: I'm Agnostic.
• I love all music except rap. Well most rap anyway.
• I'm pretty good with trivia. Jon and I are beasts at Heads Up.
• I want a YouTube channel more and more every day.
• I want to publish a book.
• I want to graduate college before I'm 27. (By the way I changed it again. There will be a post about it soon!)
• Sometimes my posts are late because I get too depressed to write anything.
• My favorite video games are Dynasty Warriors 4 and Max Payne (the first one) because they were games my brothers introduced me to.
• I look up to my brothers even when they're idiots.
• My mom is my best friend.
• Not counting my best friends and Jon.
• There's a lot I want to do in life and I'm so afraid I won't accomplish anything.

Well there's some things. It looks really long but there could've been more. I didn't know how detailed or what things were appropriate. Plus I don't know who all will read this, so I couldn't put some of the things on here that I feel are funny or important about me. While this might be boring, I hope it can show you a bit more about me, my person, and hopefully open up a dialogue between us if you found something of interest. I tried not to repeat myself about some things, so I didn't bother listing that I love books, movies, and photography. 

Expect the post about major change/SCAD soon!

Stay fresh y'all!

Kaylee

Exciting News!!!!

So I have some exciting news! I'm adopting a dog! Her name is Cassidy, she's a German Shepard mix, and she's one and half years old. She's a sweet baby and I'm so grateful that I get to be the one who becomes her forever home. I am so excited for this adventure. I will have two babies, and I know it's going to be amazing. 

I got the call this morning from the Humane Society in Lufkin. She told me my application was approved and I'm going to get her tomorrow! Shout out to the Winnie Berry Humane Society of Angelina County. They run a wonderful organization that takes adoption very seriously. Their adoption fees include vaccinations and a microchip. They also call your Vet to make sure the pet is being taken to get their vaccs and heart worm prevention. They take animals health so seriously. I feel honored and proud that I was chosen to get to take her home. 

Cassidy was a seizure dog. Basically this means she was taken from the home she lived in because they were not taking care of her. She isn't completely potty-trained either. The fact she was seized from her home makes the fact they chose me even more amazing. They were making it a priority that the home she went to was one where she wouldn't be given up again or not being taken care of. 

I'm just so happy I get to have her as my dog. It's an amazing feeling. 

Sorry this is so short. I just wanted to gush about my dog. 

Kaylee

Anxiety

I've talked about my anxiety before. The anxiety, the depression, and how those things make me feel. But I've never really discussed how my anxiety effects me, how I react to it, or what the results of an attack are. Everyone experiences their anxiety in different ways. If someone is prone to anxiety attacks, their attacks will effect them differently and they'll react differently from someone else. This is an important topic and something that is very close to me and effects me as a person. 

Besides my anxiety, I have pretty bad anger management issues. From my experience, my anxiety tends to exasperate my anger. I get upset about something messing up, not going my way, or something I just can't wrap my head around, and my anger gets the best of me. Depending on how much it effects me, I will tend to have bouts of screaming, I've scratched myself, pulled my hair, thrown things and slapped myself and other objects in my rage. And while all of that anger is happening, I'm also hyperventilating, crying, and my brain is going a millions miles a minute. My anxiety can get so out of control it triggers the anger in order to gain some kind of control. If I'm angry, I should be in control, right? 

On Saturday, halfway through my regular shift, I began to panic. It was over something really stupid, a misunderstanding between Jon and me. As I became more anxious I started to get angry. The first panic attack ended because I dug my nails into my arm until I could breathe. The second one I wasn't able to end, even though I left red scratch marks on my neck and pulled my hair. The pain can usually snap me out of things, force me to calm down and breathe. I don't condone self harm as a viable method for calming yourself down. But it wasn't until something funny happened in the store that allowed me to laugh and forget what I was so upset about. 

I decided to share about my anxiety because it's a huge part of who I am. Even if it's not something I love or would even like to live with, it's a part of me and I must deal every day with it. It's important for people to know there are others out there who struggle like they do. I struggle every day to keep myself calm, and I wish I had someone I could talk to openly about my anxiety and anger, but I just don't have time to see a counselor now.

I've gotten the suggestion of pills, someone even specifically asked me to talk to my doctor, but I don't want to. I don't want to rely on a pill to make me feel better, to keep me from panicking and getting angry. That control should come from me. Even if it's really hard. 

I hope there are people out there who can relate to this and will find some comfort that they're not alone. If anyone has questions or just wants to talk, feel free to message me through Google+. 

Thanks guys,

Kaylee

PS- I am going to start the process of setting up a blog email for questions and things of that nature. I don't want to use my google email for blog business. 

New Post

I'm supposed to have a post out today. I didn't realize I was so far behind. Last week's post was mostly just a way for me to get some feelings out. The last actual post was on the seventh of March and then I had two vacations.

For spring break I went to South Padre Island to visit my cousin. It was pretty fun. I spent time with my cousin, her boyfriend, and a little bit with her mom. We mostly just hung out, went to the beach, and tried to find some kind of party every night. We weren't always successful. I was just happy to spend time with her.

For Easter break I went to Jon's. We spent almost the entire weekend in the apartment. Thursday and Friday he worked, but on Saturday we went into Austin so we could go to IKEA and do some shopping. Sunday was a lazy day. We spent it with our butts on the couch. It was nice getting some time with him. 

April is going to be a lot of working. This week I work five days in a row. I haven't worked that consistently in a long time. I'm not looking forward to it. It's going to be hard and tiring. And the weekend after I'm switching shifts around with someone and I have auditions for my Beginning Acting class. But then the glorious weekend of the 22nd-24th. I'm working Thursday, but I'll be going home for the weekend cause I have a party. I was originally going to go see my best friend that weekend but my aunt was asking me to come, and my other aunt is possibly bringing me furniture. I'll also get to see Jon for a day. It'll be the one and only day I see him between March 27th and a week after school gets out. Almost two months. 

I really don't have much to say. This is just kind of a catch up from the last few weeks. I'd still like to do an analysis of Howl's Moving Castle, but I'm going to need some time for that. I just don't have it in me right now. Maybe in a couple weeks. 

That's all for now. 

Stay fresh ya dorks. 

Kaylee

I hate this day. Everything decided to go wrong at once. My classes were fine, those were a breeze, even though I had been up until 5 AM putting together a project a piece for them. Again, classes were not the problem.

Found out Jon won't be coming to my sorority formal, and I'll only be able to see him for one day during April. Not that he bothered to explain why.

And that was the first thing that happened to me when I woke up.

I left my first class to find my car getting a parking ticket. Appealing that bullshit.

I was then late to my second class, but it was fine because she hadn't started anything yet. The project in that class went perfectly.

And then, for god knows what reason, hell decided it was going to make me its bitch. Besides being disappointed because of two things my boyfriend did, I also found out that some information was given to me wrong regarding a sorority event but I had already told the person covering for me that he didn't need to. I've been searching for someone to take my shift since 3 this afternoon.

That's not even the worst of it.

I just need someone to cover me for THREE HOURS but none of those fuckers will do it. So I have to miss out on something really important to me because my fucking co-workers are all assholes. I'm not asking for that much. It's three freaking hours and you get to go back to your life before anything exciting starts.

This has been one of the worst days I've had. I'm trying not to cry in the middle of the library while I type. This is the first time I've wanted to hurt myself in months. I'm just feeling so angry and sad and my anxiety is on a fucking roller coaster. I'm so tired of this fucking place. I can't wait until I'm home.

I'm just so done.



There's no editing and I'm not sharing it. If you happen to check my blog (since I didn't update on Monday), you'll see it. Otherwise, that's it.

Kaylee.

In Which Kaylee Describes Her Awesome Week

Soooo, some pretty cool stuff happened to me the past two weeks. First is that I purchased a plane ticket for South Padre. I haven't been on a plane since I was in the forth grade, so this is going to be quite an experience for me. Luckily the flight is only about an hour and a half. I'm very excited to see my cousin soon. Though I only get a few days with her, it's going to be awesome. And hopefully, by next summer, I can make my way out there again. Then we can go out to bars, and have a real Padre experience.

Second, I got my writing mojo back. I'm actually writing again -sparsely- and it feels so good. I get excited to write these posts, and I write them early because I want to get it all out. This feeling, and energy for writing is so good. I hope it decides to stay for a while.

Third, I read two books in about a week and a half! I'd been nibbling my way through Remembrance (by Meg Cabot, http://www.megcabot.com/) and was under halfway through, when all of a sudden on Monday I started chomping at it. By Tuesday I was over halfway done, and then at 5 AM, early on Wednesday morning, I finished the book, tears forming in my eyes. By lunch that day, I was nearly halfway through another book. I didn't get much time for reading on Thursday or Friday, but between the hours of 12 AM and 3 AM on Saturday morning, I finished Howl's Moving Castle (by Diana Wynne Jones, it's also a Studio Ghibli anime). It was my second time reading this book, and god did I pick up on things a lot more clearly. I'd love to do a thorough analysis and critic of the book. I might start it later this week and post it on the blog.

Fourth, the most important.... Two of my famous people actually noticed me. I tweeted out after I finished Remembrance about how great it was, and Meg Cabot, the real one, actually liked my tweet. Not only that, but she also followed me! (I'm sure it's publicists or whatever, but let me DREAM.)

And then early this morning (it's currently 3:30 AM), I took a picture of a poster my friends found and tweeted out to Toby Turner (better known as Tobuscus on YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/user/Tobuscus) and he liked it! I know it was actually him and not a publicist because he's not famous enough yet to need someone to monitor his social media. And that makes it even cooler!

While those things may seem small, they make me incredibly happy. It was such an experience to realize that people you consider to be rock stars and celebrities actually took the time to notice you for ten seconds. I felt so good, and that's what matters.

Y'all have a great day.
Kaylee

40th Post

Congratulations! We've made it to 40 posts. I can't believe it, can you? It's taken us almost a year and a half to get to here, and honestly, it took way too long. I should've been at 40 posts a long time ago. But we can't change the past, we can only look forward.

A lot of things are happening for me this semester: getting a Little, acting again, leaving the sorority, going to South Padre, and making a decision that will utterly change my future. And for once, this amount of change isn't scaring me. I'm actually excited for everything that's about to happen. I just want it to happen already. In another year's time I could be almost done with my basics and applying for SCAD (and other schools).

I'm so looking forward to this year. When school is over, I'll be with Jon again during the summer. The focus of the summer is going to be saving money, and looking for him a new apartment. There's just too many problems with the one he's in right now. Hopefully the summer will also give me the time I need to start up a YouTube account. I'm thinking blog for personal, YouTube for discussing certain topics, and then I also started a vine at Chey's urging. I gots myself a few followers:)

I'm feeling so good about things recently. I haven't been feeling depressed, though the anxiety is still pretty high. Also Jon and I are in a weird place. We barely talk at all, because our schedules just don't sync up. It's a little disheartening, but I need to focus on thinking about the positives. Ugh, I miss him lots.

Last night, I was looking at some pictures from my junior and senior year of high school. God, I don't know what happened. Besides laziness and college. I was never skinny, but at least I looked a lot better. I was a size 14, average for women nationally, and for my height. I cut sodas out about three weeks ago. Sometimes it's hard not to be tempted, but the cravings and headaches are gone. I wanted to make this big plan for my diet (which is my worst problem) to start with cutting soda, and then red meat, and eventually all sugar entirely. But I don't think I'll be able to accomplish that as soon as I'd like. Instead, I've made the decision of no more fast food. That's hard as a college student who works until midnight and isn't able to grab dinner from the cafeteria. I bought groceries a couple weeks ago and I've mostly let them go to waste except for the easy things and snack foods. Realizing how much fast food I eat in a week, I know that I can't do it anymore. It's horrible food and it's horrible for the body. Not that it doesn't taste good. But my health is so much more important than if my food tastes like cheesy goodness. Here's to making positive changes!

I really enjoyed writing this post. It's even going out early. I just feel so confident and so comfortable. I don't know the last time I felt this GOOD about life. I'm actually on the verge of tears right now. Life can be so good if you let it. You need to make changes that are good for you, make changes that will benefit you as a person, and make changes that make you happy. Leaving SFA is going to be really hard, but I'm doing it in the pursuit of my passions. I couldn't be more scared, but I'm also overwhelmingly HAPPY.

This feeling is incredible.

Happy 40th guys,
Kaylee

Some New Things

Alright so I am no longer inactive in my sorority. Since this is going to be my last semester at SFA I wanted to be active and a part of the girls who mean so much to me. I'm also going to get a Little. Yeah I won't be there for her active years but I'll still have someone who can look up to me and I can visit for banquets and formals. I'm seeking alumniship so that I don't have to just drop the sorority. This way I can still be a part and be kinda active through the years. 

This also means I have officially decided to leave SFA after this semester. I'll be going home to finish my basics at our community college and then I'll start applying for other schools but the main focus is on SCAD. I have a bunch of ideas for how I'm going to build up my portfolio. I'm really excited for this entire process to begin. 

I actually get to see Jon. We'll be spending Valentine's weekend together. I'm super excited. I haven't seen him in over a month. I miss him so much. It'll be really nice to see my babe. 

I bought two books on Sunday night, and I just bought two more last night. I don't need them but I do need them, ya know? Oh and I'll be buying a new laptop on Thursday. The cover is starting to split on mine so I'm getting scared of using it. Hopefully the new one will last as long as this one did. We had a good five years together. That's pretty impressive for technology. 

Anyway, that's it for now. Sorry this is late. 

Kaylee 

This is a Title

School started last Tuesday. For the past several weeks I have been extremely busy, preparing to come back to school, coming back to school, working, and figuring my life out. I've made some decisions about my future and I'm pretty nervous, but my family and my friends seem to support me, and they're encouraging me to do what makes me happy. I couldn't be more grateful.

I have five classes this semester, an English class, Human Development, College Algebra (again), and two theatre classes: Beginning Acting and Theatre Speech. I like my classes so far. The English one is gonna be a bit of a toughy though this semester. I really like my math teacher. The Human Development class is giving me the opportunity to volunteer at the library, and of course I love my theatre classes.

Work is okay. I'm annoyed though because I specifically asked not to work the weekends and they have me working Friday through Sunday. I guess I would be more mad if it wasn't good money. Luckily I got covered for my birthday, which is this Sunday. I'm going to be 20! I have to remember to change all the necessary bios around the inter-sphere.

I don't know when I'm going to see Jon again. The last time I saw him was January 3rd and I haven't found anyone to cover me for Valentine's weekend yet. I might be going to South Padre for Spring Break to see my cousin, but if that doesn't work out, I'll take the chance to see Jon instead. Then I have find someone to stay with back here so that I can work during the last bit of break.

I've been in much more of a positive mood lately. I still have trouble getting out of bed some days, but most I can get a move on and keep my energy focused on getting things done. Things seem to be getting better. Which could definitely be attributed to me deciding what I'm doing for the next two years.

That's all for now.
Kaylee

Some Stuff

Welp, life is kinda weird right now. I'm in this place where school is really on the rocks and I'm seriously questioning my path in life. I've been contemplating my major, my college, and all that fun stuff. My mom is trying to support me but you know how older people are. She just wants me to have a job when I graduate, she doesn't care if it doesn't follow along with my dreams.

Right now I'm an English major with teaching and a theatre minor. At this point in my life, I don't want to be a teacher. I haven't wanted to be a teacher since I was in tenth grade, but I did it because that's what my mom would want. Now I'm thinking about architecture and interior design. You know that show Fixer Upper? Yeah, that's what I want to do. Remodel old houses and buildings. Of course, I still want to write. Write everything and anything.

But I don't know what to do. There is only one school that does all three things I want. But it's in Georgia and it's an arts school. And the more I think about leaving the English department at SFA and leaving the sorority, the more sad it makes me. But it also makes a lot of fucking sense for my life right now. I'm not sure at all what I want to do or what decision to make. I wish my mom and Jon would speak up more about their opinions.

Anyway, my YouTube channel isn't happening for a while. Jon and I didn't film anything, but I'm also looking into a new laptop, which means I can do my own videos. Before I can even get a new laptop though I have to get an external hard drive to put all the important shit on this laptop so I don't lose my stuff.

Also, you probably noticed I didn't post last week. I was with Jon, and I was just trying to focus on my boyfriend and spending time with him. I'm not going to see him again until Valentine's Day so I just wanted to be with him. It was kinda a hard week, we fought a lot, but I think it was all good. We were able to talk about, and deal with things that are important to each other and the relationship. Hopefully we can make it through this next month, but I know it's going to be hard.

That's it for now guys. See ya next week!