Being Adult-ish

I think being an adult is probably one of the hardest things to do. Being a kid and being a teenager is pretty easy, or it can be sometimes. But since I've become an "adult," so many things have become so much harder. Even my anxiety has gotten worse. I cry at least once a day now, because of the pressures of acting like an adult, being an adult, taking care of responsibilities like an adult.

So we all remember that I just got a new job? Well, I was told I would be working four days a week, which would've been perfect, income-wise. So far I've worked three weeks, two of those I worked three days, and this week I've only worked two. I can't pay my phone bill till the 1st of July, and I'm not sure what's going to happen with my car payment. Also I have defensive driving stuff to take care of, which is not only more money, but more time that I simply don't have.

Now, I'm not saying I don't like being an adult, because I do. Honestly. The problem is transitioning. My mom and I never had that much money in the first place, but we always made it through our hardest situations. But I don't have her help out here, for several reasons. 1. Shecan't afford it. 2. I don't want to ask to her. 3. She already paid for everything for the first 18 years of my life, it's my turn to start paying. I'm 20 after all, and if I can't pay my own tickets, my car payments, or my phone bill, where will I be when I'm 25, or 30?

Being an adult is really fucking hard. Making payments, buying groceries and gas, making sure the pets are taken care of, making sure you're not spending money on stupid things. That's being an adult. Realizing you have responsibilities and that if you don't take care of them, no one will. It's welcoming the fact that you're on your own, not as a bad thing, but as a stepping stone to becoming a responsible human being.

I can barely pay my bills, but I am paying them. And someday I won't be struggling. Someday the budget on paper will work out as good in real life. But for now, I'll buckle up, find a second job, and plow through life as carefully as possible.

You guys stay fresh.
Kaylee

As I Watch the Clock Tick

Lame title, right? It's because that's exactly what I've been doing for almost three weeks. Sitting in Jon's apartment, waiting to hear back for jobs. Well I finally received my call for orientation today. I'll be beginning work at Ross tomorrow. Unfortunately, it's looking like that's not going to be enough income for me and my bills, so I'm also looking and applying for a second part-time job to cover my nights.

I'm very excited to start work, and finally get some retail experience under my belt. Plus I really miss doing something with my days. While it's nice to sleep the day away and watch Netflix all night, I really need something to keep me occupied. Plus if I'm making money, Jon and I can get started on transitioning our diets and menus into healthier food.

He already works noon to 9, so that's another reason I want a second job. So I have something to do while he's working. Being on the go constantly will hopefully be able to help with planning healthy food options, and preparing healthy dinners beforehand. I kinda want to be that healthy mom, even though I don't have a kid (except for the dog and cat). But Jon doesn't take care of himself food wise, so I need to.

I really want to be that person that plans out meals and writes them on the chalkboard for the week. And I feel like I could do that, but I need the money and the time, and the freaking patience. I want to be one of those women who actually does the projects she pins on Pinterest, and actually makes the recipes. I've done two recipes and a few projects, but I want my whole place to be an accumulation of my whole Pinterest career. If you want to check out my Pinterest and follow me there, here's the link: https://www.pinterest.com/kaylie153/.


Have a fresh night,
Kaylee

40th Post

Congratulations! We've made it to 40 posts. I can't believe it, can you? It's taken us almost a year and a half to get to here, and honestly, it took way too long. I should've been at 40 posts a long time ago. But we can't change the past, we can only look forward.

A lot of things are happening for me this semester: getting a Little, acting again, leaving the sorority, going to South Padre, and making a decision that will utterly change my future. And for once, this amount of change isn't scaring me. I'm actually excited for everything that's about to happen. I just want it to happen already. In another year's time I could be almost done with my basics and applying for SCAD (and other schools).

I'm so looking forward to this year. When school is over, I'll be with Jon again during the summer. The focus of the summer is going to be saving money, and looking for him a new apartment. There's just too many problems with the one he's in right now. Hopefully the summer will also give me the time I need to start up a YouTube account. I'm thinking blog for personal, YouTube for discussing certain topics, and then I also started a vine at Chey's urging. I gots myself a few followers:)

I'm feeling so good about things recently. I haven't been feeling depressed, though the anxiety is still pretty high. Also Jon and I are in a weird place. We barely talk at all, because our schedules just don't sync up. It's a little disheartening, but I need to focus on thinking about the positives. Ugh, I miss him lots.

Last night, I was looking at some pictures from my junior and senior year of high school. God, I don't know what happened. Besides laziness and college. I was never skinny, but at least I looked a lot better. I was a size 14, average for women nationally, and for my height. I cut sodas out about three weeks ago. Sometimes it's hard not to be tempted, but the cravings and headaches are gone. I wanted to make this big plan for my diet (which is my worst problem) to start with cutting soda, and then red meat, and eventually all sugar entirely. But I don't think I'll be able to accomplish that as soon as I'd like. Instead, I've made the decision of no more fast food. That's hard as a college student who works until midnight and isn't able to grab dinner from the cafeteria. I bought groceries a couple weeks ago and I've mostly let them go to waste except for the easy things and snack foods. Realizing how much fast food I eat in a week, I know that I can't do it anymore. It's horrible food and it's horrible for the body. Not that it doesn't taste good. But my health is so much more important than if my food tastes like cheesy goodness. Here's to making positive changes!

I really enjoyed writing this post. It's even going out early. I just feel so confident and so comfortable. I don't know the last time I felt this GOOD about life. I'm actually on the verge of tears right now. Life can be so good if you let it. You need to make changes that are good for you, make changes that will benefit you as a person, and make changes that make you happy. Leaving SFA is going to be really hard, but I'm doing it in the pursuit of my passions. I couldn't be more scared, but I'm also overwhelmingly HAPPY.

This feeling is incredible.

Happy 40th guys,
Kaylee

This is a Title

School started last Tuesday. For the past several weeks I have been extremely busy, preparing to come back to school, coming back to school, working, and figuring my life out. I've made some decisions about my future and I'm pretty nervous, but my family and my friends seem to support me, and they're encouraging me to do what makes me happy. I couldn't be more grateful.

I have five classes this semester, an English class, Human Development, College Algebra (again), and two theatre classes: Beginning Acting and Theatre Speech. I like my classes so far. The English one is gonna be a bit of a toughy though this semester. I really like my math teacher. The Human Development class is giving me the opportunity to volunteer at the library, and of course I love my theatre classes.

Work is okay. I'm annoyed though because I specifically asked not to work the weekends and they have me working Friday through Sunday. I guess I would be more mad if it wasn't good money. Luckily I got covered for my birthday, which is this Sunday. I'm going to be 20! I have to remember to change all the necessary bios around the inter-sphere.

I don't know when I'm going to see Jon again. The last time I saw him was January 3rd and I haven't found anyone to cover me for Valentine's weekend yet. I might be going to South Padre for Spring Break to see my cousin, but if that doesn't work out, I'll take the chance to see Jon instead. Then I have find someone to stay with back here so that I can work during the last bit of break.

I've been in much more of a positive mood lately. I still have trouble getting out of bed some days, but most I can get a move on and keep my energy focused on getting things done. Things seem to be getting better. Which could definitely be attributed to me deciding what I'm doing for the next two years.

That's all for now.
Kaylee

This is a Hard Week

So it's finals this week. Which means things are not good emotionally or mentally. I am preparing and studying right now for my political science exam tomorrow. I should've started studying a lot earlier today, but I was just not feeling it. First I felt physically sick, and then my head was so heavy. I stayed curled up in my bed until 2 this afternoon. Since then I've watched YouTube and tried to study. After this post goes up, I'll be back to actually studying. Wish me luck!

Most college students will tell you how hard finals week is. It's mentally and physically draining, leaving you feeling stressed and sick, just wishing for it to all be over so you can go home and curl up with your family. I know that when I get home Friday or Saturday, the first thing I'm doing is curling up on the couch with my mom and watching Netflix until I fall asleep. Then I'll sleep until Christmas.

My Christmas break is about a month, though it's shorter this year than last. I go home this weekend (I haven't started packing yet) and I'll be there until the Sunday after Christmas day. Jon and I are still trying to figure out what we're doing for the holiday, but he only has three days home so it's hard to decide what we're going to do. On that Sunday, I'll be driving out to San Marcos to spend a week with him. I'm mostly going because my mom will be visiting her family and I don't want to stay at the house. After New Year's I'll come back and spend the rest of my time with friends. Then I'm coming back to school as soon as the dorms open so that I can work a couple days before school starts.

Though finals can be a really tough time, it's important to stay confident and stay calm. Find the people and things that make you happy and focus on them when you get upset or stressed. For me, I have YouTube, Jon, and my friends... and my mom of course. I also try to focus on writing and reading because they always have a way of making me feel better, taking me to a whole other world where I don't have to worry about exams and packing and dealing with people in general.

Good luck to everyone else going through exams right now, or that recently went through them. Believe in yo fresh self.

Kaylee

Classes... Tomorrow

Well I'm back at school. Yay..? My room looks cute (of course), and my roommate (Chey again) is still basically moving in. Classes begin tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I mean, my classes are fine, almost all of them are things I really want to take, but the problem is actually going to and sitting through classes. Of course I only have three classes and one of them is cancelled, but one of them is also a night class. For two hours. Ugh.

Also tomorrow we have our first sorority meeting. And like I said before, because of my night class, I won't be able to go to a lot of them. And tomorrow is the first example of that. I'll be able to meet with the executive board tomorrow before my class and get things done, but it's definitely not the same as actually sitting through a meeting with everyone and seeing them all again.

Saying goodbye to my mom was hard, like it always is, but she's already planning on coming and visiting soon. She also got to stay an extra night, which is amazing. But we aren't even able to talk because her phone bill wasn't able to get paid this month. Now we're just waiting for her to be able to pay it. I can't believe how much I already miss her and I just wanna be able to talk to her. Oh well, guess I'll just have to wait.

I think I missed Chey and Alex more than I thought I did. It's only the second day in and it's like the great times of last year all over again. Tonight we've laughed a lot, made great dirty jokes, and created a "Dirty Mind" headband. Mostly it's stayed on Alex's head, but once it almost made its way to my forehead. I think this might be a good year... besides, you know, classes.

Also, I posted this a day early so I wouldn't forget tomorrow.
Kaylee

Soon it Ends

I'll be leaving for school tomorrow and I'm so totally mixed up about it. While it's exciting to be headed back to Nac, and to see all my friends again, I'm definitely gonna miss home. It's hard being away from everybody, especially my mom. But at the same time, it'll be nice to be away from her for a little bit.

I had lunch with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece today. When we said our goodbyes I almost cried. Home is where my family is, and while I have a new family in Nac and a lot of friends, these are the most important people in my life. Split between my family, my friends, and my boyfriend, I wish I could us all on an island and pretend it's normal. I'm excited for dorm life, sorority, and school, I swear... but nothing beats sitting at home with my mom and Jon.

Speaking of, boyfriend and I have been on crazy terms recently. We've fought a lot. He started classes on Monday, and is working his new job. It's like I never talk to him anymore. It's been really hard trying to stay positive when I miss him so much and am feeling abandoned. He's decided I'm gonna drive out to him during labor day weekend. He said he'd pay for my gas so I couldn't help but agree. But god, I miss him so much. I cry almost every day because it's so hard being away from him. Every chance I get to see him I'm going to take. I can't wait for summer to come back around.

Hopefully getting a job in Nac won't take too long. I'm gonna apply to any and every place, especially places where I already have friends. I have to have a job this semester with mom and I having car payments and insurance. It's going to be hard and I have to put off theatre again, but I know I could use the job force experience.

When it comes to school, I'm most excited for my English class. While the topic isn't the best, I heard my teacher absolutely loves what he teaches, and he's amazing. That's really important to me when it comes to teachers. If they don't love what they do, or aren't visibly enjoying what they're teaching, I hate the class. I want someone to teach me who likes what they're doing, and better yet, adores it beyond anything. I guess I like that so much, because that's the kind of teacher I want to be. Nothing inspires students more, than the teachers who love what they're doing.

Y'all stay fresh y'all.
Kaylee

Time to Talk

Well I'm home. I've certainly missed it, especially my little puppy. It's great being home, but I'm sure gonna miss spending my summer with my boyfriend in our own little place. Jon is still home, at his mom's, but he'll be going back Wednesday morning with a moving truck and a bunch of furniture from his grandparents. I don't even know what I'm gonna when he leaves. He means so much to me and helps me out so much with my anxiety and my depression... It's just gonna be really hard not being by his side every day, like I was during the summer. I guess I just gotta learn to readjust all over again.

So I have a few weeks home before I gotta go back to school. Remember back in the day when I was trying to sell my car? Well... that didn't happen. So instead we started looking at dealerships online. Luckily I found one right away. It was a 2004 Honda, a hatchback like what I wanted, and looked super cute. It was also affordable for my mom and I. Unfortunately, it had over 150,000 miles and the dealership people weren't very friendly. But I did really like the car, so we started talking numbers. Well it turned out that the dealership wouldn't be willing to help us with financing, so as we sat waiting on the guy to bring us more information, I looked up another dealership.

This turned out to be a great idea. Online I found a 2003 Ford that was $200 cheaper and had almost 20,000 less miles. So we headed over to that dealer and test drove it . It was horrible. It was kinda small, it shook, and and the brakes were scary slow to stop the car. I hated it. I was scared to drive it when we took it out. So the guy took us around the lot to look at cars. My mom and I decided on the same one. It's a 2004 Dodge Durango. It's huge, it's pretty, and it only has 98,000 miles on it. The biggest problems with it were the price (almost $10,000) and gas mileage (14/19 -_-). However, after sitting down and talking numbers with this dealership, we not only got the price down, but the payments ended up being exactly $1 less than what mom wrote down that we could afford. Everything is turning out perfect, and if everything goes right, we'll be picking up the car tomorrow (Wednesday). So please send positive thoughts, vibes, and prayers.

Tomorrow I'll be saying goodbye to my love for over a month, I'll be starting a new journey with a new car, and I'll be taking time to start organizing and packing for college. Even though I don't want to do it, it's the best thing to do. Wish me luck as I start on my pile of stuff!

Peace out nerds;)
Kaylee

Snowcones and Writing Block

As it is summer (though very near the end), and I am a sensible person, snowcones are THE way to celebrate not being in school. Since summer began, I've had exactly one snowcone and it was earlier this week. It was also possibly the best snowcone I've ever had. There's this lot of food trucks in downtown, including one called Mambo Ice, where we got my snowcone. They're a little pricey and kinda surrounded by honey bees, but the product is top notch. I got a Blueberry Daiquiri (no alcohol of course), and it turned my mouth blue. The flavor was totally worth it.

Besides snowcones and being a few days late on the blog, we finally found a place. It's a little on the expensive side for him, but the space is nice and really close to campus. It's gonna be an adjustment, but I think it could really be worth it. Before we settled on that place, we were looking at a cheap efficiency with two rooms, a small kitchen, and small bathroom. Despite not being a lot of space, the place had charm. I think for a girl and her pet, it could be great. Honestly I kinda wish I coulda lived in the place by myself with my dog. I feel like I could have turned the place into a nice hovel for me and my baby.

My writing mood is horrible. Every day I want to write, but when I actually get up the enthusiasm to pull Word up, nothing comes out. Probably the same reason I can't get these posts out on time. Nothing flows through my head onto the page. I wish this writing block would just go away.

I miss writing and inventing characters and just... I don't know, I guess creating. It'd be nice to even just start writing on an old piece. I'd love to actually just finish something.

Guess my goal before end of summer is have another snowcone from Mambo Ice, and maybe just finish (or start) another story. But I guess we'll have to see...

That is all. Kaylee.

26 Days Later...

I don't know why it takes me so long to get back to this freaking blog. I completely blame Jon. I haven't been able to secure a job yet, but Jon has a second interview on Friday morning. Positive thoughts and vibes please! We could really use the money.

My mom and I have decided to sell my car and use the money to put down on a newer car. So if any of y'all are interested in a '96 Lexus with a few problems, please let me know!-_- I know the car I want but I'm nervous that my car won't get a bid or that no one will be interested. I mean it's a great car, it drives beautifully, and the A/C is God's gift to Texas, but there are just things wrong with it that I'm not able to fix, things I can't afford to fix.

We've also been looking at places for Jon. We're going to actually see with our eyes some places tomorrow. He found a 1 Bed/1 Bath for cheap and a studio that isn't too bad. We were really hoping to get in on his friends' duplex since they just moved into a bigger house, but his roommates have decided to go somewhere else, so he's left looking for somewhere cheap but comfortable.

Our eating habits haven't been too bad since I moved in, but not moving around much, or working, or even simply leaving the house has left the both of us gaining weight from laziness. This week we decided to start working out, but haven't started yet. But I feel positive we'll start soon. Neither of us are feeling good about ourselves, and I think that will help with motivation.

Okay, well that's all my news. Have a good night!

Looking Up?

So last week kinda sucked. If you read my post, you know why. This week however, things might be looking up. I have gotten two responses for jobs. One is a nanny gig and the other is a clothing store. While the nanny job would pay more, and probably be loads more fun, I think the job will be during the school year, and I won't be here during that time. But the clothing store job will still be cool. And hopefully I'll get a discount.

Jon is still looking. We're hoping for a manager position at the movie theater, but if that doesn't work out, I have a lot of jobs saved for him to apply to. Now it's just a matter of him actually doing it.

I'm hoping either one of the jobs works out. I need it, and I'm tired of being afraid that we don't have enough for food or gas, or even a little for fun.

I've also been down on myself a lot more recently. I can tell I've gained weight, and it isn't helping with my already low view of myself. There's a gym in the apartment but I don't feel comfortable going alone, and he'd never go with me. The only thing he wants to do is walk but that does nothing for me. I need actual exercising and work outs. But he doesn't understand that.

Sorry for cutting it short, but the writing bug just has not bitten me today.

Have a good night.