As I Watch the Clock Tick

Lame title, right? It's because that's exactly what I've been doing for almost three weeks. Sitting in Jon's apartment, waiting to hear back for jobs. Well I finally received my call for orientation today. I'll be beginning work at Ross tomorrow. Unfortunately, it's looking like that's not going to be enough income for me and my bills, so I'm also looking and applying for a second part-time job to cover my nights.

I'm very excited to start work, and finally get some retail experience under my belt. Plus I really miss doing something with my days. While it's nice to sleep the day away and watch Netflix all night, I really need something to keep me occupied. Plus if I'm making money, Jon and I can get started on transitioning our diets and menus into healthier food.

He already works noon to 9, so that's another reason I want a second job. So I have something to do while he's working. Being on the go constantly will hopefully be able to help with planning healthy food options, and preparing healthy dinners beforehand. I kinda want to be that healthy mom, even though I don't have a kid (except for the dog and cat). But Jon doesn't take care of himself food wise, so I need to.

I really want to be that person that plans out meals and writes them on the chalkboard for the week. And I feel like I could do that, but I need the money and the time, and the freaking patience. I want to be one of those women who actually does the projects she pins on Pinterest, and actually makes the recipes. I've done two recipes and a few projects, but I want my whole place to be an accumulation of my whole Pinterest career. If you want to check out my Pinterest and follow me there, here's the link: https://www.pinterest.com/kaylie153/.


Have a fresh night,
Kaylee

This is a Hard Week

So it's finals this week. Which means things are not good emotionally or mentally. I am preparing and studying right now for my political science exam tomorrow. I should've started studying a lot earlier today, but I was just not feeling it. First I felt physically sick, and then my head was so heavy. I stayed curled up in my bed until 2 this afternoon. Since then I've watched YouTube and tried to study. After this post goes up, I'll be back to actually studying. Wish me luck!

Most college students will tell you how hard finals week is. It's mentally and physically draining, leaving you feeling stressed and sick, just wishing for it to all be over so you can go home and curl up with your family. I know that when I get home Friday or Saturday, the first thing I'm doing is curling up on the couch with my mom and watching Netflix until I fall asleep. Then I'll sleep until Christmas.

My Christmas break is about a month, though it's shorter this year than last. I go home this weekend (I haven't started packing yet) and I'll be there until the Sunday after Christmas day. Jon and I are still trying to figure out what we're doing for the holiday, but he only has three days home so it's hard to decide what we're going to do. On that Sunday, I'll be driving out to San Marcos to spend a week with him. I'm mostly going because my mom will be visiting her family and I don't want to stay at the house. After New Year's I'll come back and spend the rest of my time with friends. Then I'm coming back to school as soon as the dorms open so that I can work a couple days before school starts.

Though finals can be a really tough time, it's important to stay confident and stay calm. Find the people and things that make you happy and focus on them when you get upset or stressed. For me, I have YouTube, Jon, and my friends... and my mom of course. I also try to focus on writing and reading because they always have a way of making me feel better, taking me to a whole other world where I don't have to worry about exams and packing and dealing with people in general.

Good luck to everyone else going through exams right now, or that recently went through them. Believe in yo fresh self.

Kaylee

Hellooo

So Monday I went to the lake. A friend of mine was having a really tough time emotionally, so after classes, she invited me and a couple other friends out to the lake around Nac. I didn't wear a bathing suit so I didn't do any swimming, but she brought this little boat we aired up. For the first hour I sat on the bank, two girls in the boat, and our other friend who was keeping them from floating away. I didn't mind being alone. No phone to distract me, but I got to see everything. Sometimes I forget how much I love just watching, just seeing.

One of my biggest passions is photography. I think that passion has offered me insight into seeing beyond the skin of things. To really appreciate something, you have to look beyond its outward appearance. Life is about more than skin, it's about what's underneath, what's inside a person, or a thing. Of course I don't mean literally inside. The emotions, the feelings, the thoughts, the ideas. And with buildings, nature, objects, it's about what their story is. The process of making it. Their lives.

Sitting on that bank, I just watched my friends, the water, the sky, and I appreciated every single second of it. It's so liberating just watching. You don't have to think, you don't have to talk. I could spend my whole life just watching and seeing.

Anyway, on to more boring things. I have finals next week. This weekend I get to go see my best friend in Galveston. We're gonna spend the weekend on the beach, tanning and talking. I'm so excited for the rest weekend before all my finals kill me. I'm so not looking forward to this next week. I already know I've failed two classes and I feel like shit about myself because of them. I could have done so much better, tried harder in those classes, and I would've succeeded. Jon is suggesting I do online classes during the summer to retake them. I just might.

The best thing about school ending in a week is that I'll be home. I miss my mom and my family so much. And then after a week and a half, I'll be moving to San Marcos to live with Jon. I'm really excited to see what this summer will bring for us. It'll be our first time really living like adults. I'll also be looking for jobs. I've never had a PAYING job, only volunteer work and working construction for my dad. But that stuff doesn't have a place on an application, so employers won't look at me twice.

Speaking of jobs, if any of you guys know of places that are hiring in San Marcos, Texas, please feel free to email me. I could really use the help, the experience, and I'll need one cause I have to start saving to get a new car and pay off loans when I graduate. You can find my email on the About Me page.

Stay fresh, stay cool,
Kaylee

I don't know what to do. It's like when we're in person, everything is great and wonderful. But if we aren't around each other, if we're those four and a half hours apart, nothing is the same. It's all gone. The emotions, the feelings, the love. It's like it disappeared right under our fingertips.

I want to love him. I want him to love me. And I want to be together more than anything. But all this time apart feels like it's tearing us apart.

Sometimes I have a hard time even telling him I love him anymore. Cause I feel like he doesn't see it or doesn't read it. I don't to feel like that. But it happens every day.

I'm trying to figure out if I should tell him or just keep it to myself. It's so hard to understand and I don't want to hurt him, but I have to do something. I can't continue to feel like this. It's horrible and driving me crazy. I'm tired of crying and being scared all the time. I just want things to be okay. I want things to be nice and normal and back to regular. I don't want to feel like it's going away or fading out. I want to feel that love forever.