These Times

I feel weird these days. I'm worried my depression is coming back, after three years of it being relatively on the back burners. I'm sleeping with absolutely no problem. I'm able to sleep for upwards for twelves hours without waking up more than once. And even though I feel hungry, sometimes I just can't bring myself to eat. I feel like there's no reason to or I just don't want to.

I can't even write sometimes. I'll start and then the inspiration will just abandon me completely. I don't even want to write sometimes, or read. I have a final essay due on Monday and I've completely lost my drive for it.

I can't tell Jon because he'll just get worried and overly concerned. Which isn't a bad thing, but then I feel like I need to cater and pamper him so he doesn't think I'll try anything bad.

I just wish I knew how to handle this on my own. Luckily my anger and anxiety have kinda been on the back burner since depression took front seat. I guess not being constantly angry and anxious makes up for feeling sad.

There are worst things in life.

Problems and Good Times

This weekend is my anniversary. Yay! I'm very excited to get to see Jon and spend an entire weekend with him. I can't believe it's already been over a month since I last saw him. It feels so long ago. I miss him so much but I'm so grateful for this weekend I get with him.

What I really came on here to blog about is my discovery of Bee and Puppycat. It's a really cute web show done by Cartoon Hangover and a story board artist from Adventure Time. I thought it was going to be really dumb and way inappropriate, but it's actually really cute. It's a story about a girl who can't keep a job and a magical cat (or puppy?) who falls out of the sky. There's only been like three episodes, including the pilot, but it's already really good.

Rising from the Dead... Basically

I don't know why I have such a commitment phobia for this freaking thing. I love it, I cherish, but then I forget it exists and it's just kinda like, "Sorry, not sorry."

Speaking of Buffy, I spent the weekend with my cousin. She turned 21 today! Woohoo, she can legally drink... not that that has ever stopped either of us before. But anyway, I spent Halloween weekend with my beautiful cousin whom I absolutely adore and miss every single day. She's growing up, she's renting an actual house, it's all put-together and nice. I'm telling you, this place is beyond adorable and just FILLED with things from Ross. A girl after my own heart. Her boyfriend and her moved into the place at the beginning of October and seem to be getting along nicely in it. She's definitely put her mark on it.

All weekend we just watched Halloweeny/scary movies, including The Omen, Final Destination V, Hocus Pocus, Scooby-Doo, and then Buffy, 'cause life ain't good without a little Vampire Slayer. It was a perfect weekend and I got to enjoy some nice beverages, veg out with cable TV, and spend time with my favorite cousin in the whole wide world. (And I have a lot of cousins.)

This week seems to mostly be focused on homework and trying to keep myself from spending my gas money. Next weekend is my anniversary (YAYY TWO YEARSSS!!!) so I'll be headed to see Jon and spend the weekend with him:) I'm expecting him to surprise me with a bubble bath, a fancy dinner, a back massage, some flowers, you know.. the works. I'm just so excited it's almost here and I get to fall asleep in his arms soon!

Okay, y'all, believe in the fresh and the fresh will believe in you.

My Title

It's been awhile my friends. My complete lack of attention has really been due to re-watching The Vampire Diaries on Netflix. I've been totally obsessed with this show again and it's so hard to stop watching. If you've never seen it before, watch it. It's great.

College has been a bit of a drag lately. Classes and midterms and all that terrible, terrible jazz. But I'm doing okay in them, I guess. I just really need to get my ass in gear and focus.

The past weekend I got to spend with Jon in his new town, in the apartment, with the kitty. It was amazing. The place is a little small and his room smells like cat, but it's his and this summer it'll be ours. He's invited me to live with him during the summers between school years and I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. It's crazy to think we'll be living together in just a few months.

This weekend was amazing. I missed him so incredibly much and it was amazing being with him again. I don't get to see him again until our anniversary, which is next month. Our two year is exactly a month from now. I wish we had the money to actually do something, but we're both kinda poor. Go ahead and feel free to donate to the KAYLIE WANTS A REAL ANNIVERSARY fund. I'd be very grateful and completely happy!

So dying to see him again. Can't wait!

Yo be fresh.

I'm not happy.

Just Writin' a Blog

This shit is hard to keep up with. Sometimes I just forget I have it altogether. The past couple days I've been feeling horrible. I don't know if it's allergies or if I'm actually sick. What I do know is that I want it to go away. Now. It's ruining my mood and it makes it even harder to fall asleep than my stress. On the bright side, my voice has this sexy rasp to it (think Phoebe from FRIENDS). But on the other hand, I'm also sneezy and coughing a lot (again, think Phoebe).

My sister-in-law also has a blog (http://happymomhappywife.blogspot.com), where she discusses being a mommy, a wife, and a semi-crunchy. It's pretty cute and she posted a great recipe the other day. Because of her blog, I have decided to now start adding in pictures and/or .gifs to my posts. I think it's a great idea. So does Phoebe->>>>>>

This past weekend I got to go home. I got to spend time with my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. He and I actually went to a comedy festival in Dallas on Friday. We saw such comedians as Sarah Silverman, Whitney Cummings, Jeff Ross, and the headliner... Louis CK, who is one of Jon's very favorite comedians. It was a great experience and I really enjoyed myself, besides feeling scandalized every two minutes. My poor little Southern Girl heart. Anyway, it was a great time and I loved having that time with Jon. I didn't realize how much I had missed him until he was hugging and kissing me. In just three short weeks I'll be in his arms once again, even though it's only for a weekend.

I feel like this week will be a success. I got my essay done on time, I feel good about the content, and on the tests we've gotten back, I've done well on them. Just hopefully everything stays uphill. I'm sorry I forget I run this thing. I'll do better in the future.

Stay fresh 'cause I can't.

Hmm...

I'm getting to the point where I don't care anymore. It's only been four weeks and I already can't stand the atmosphere and the people. I miss all my friends from home, my mom, the boyfriend. I miss my puppy! I'm going home this weekend but it seems so far away. Home seems like a mirage right on the edge of a sand dune that I can't get to fast enough before it disappears again. I'm at that dilemma stage where I don't know who I'm supposed to hug first: my mom, or Jon? Of course, I could also get home before my mother so I'll see Jon first and that will be a cuddle and kissing fest. Or my puppy... Hmmm...

My new obsession as of late is the Wicked soundtrack. i blare that thing through my headphones and resist the temptation to dance and sing my heart out. I even have my Dream Cast picked out; of course it's made up of my friends and myself. Mostly because I know we would have a blast doing it. (I put myself in the lead role...) Sometimes I wonder if Chey ever sees me slightly twitching awkwardly instead of full out dancing. it's the only way to express myself in these dorms, every one can hear everything. I plan on dancing and singing my whole car ride home Friday.

Chey and I have a problem about getting hurt or getting sick on the weekends. Our first weekend here, Chey sprained her ankle. The second weekend, I hurt my back and it took all weekend for me to be able to move beyond a sitting position. This weekend, Chey got sick and her nose is stuffed up. We're just waiting for her fiance to get sick. It makes me wonder if something'll happen to me when I go home, or if I'll be exempt because I'm not on campus or in the dorm. Let's hope that's it.

Our friends we made two weeks ago have been super cool. We've hung out with them at least once a week. They're like identical to us, except more attractive. It's been great getting to know new people, even though they're older than us. All we do is watch movies and anime, but I can't think of a better way to spend my time with people I like.

I'm just super looking forward to being home and getting to hang with my friends and be with my family.

Fresh.

Trials

Sometimes I don't get it. I don't get college, life, relationships, or all the things in between. These things don't make sense I find no real reason or place for them. It's like they belong and don't compute properly. All of that stuff takes so much energy, i wonder why we just don't all sit on our couches and veg until our brains rot out and we die. Definitely would be simpler.

I guess it's all the temptations life has to offer that keeps everyone trying and surviving and grinding out day after day so they can be rewarded and feel like their contribution to this world meant something. And I can understand that. That's why I'm continuing in school, that's why I'm gonna get my doctorate eventually. Because I want to feel like I've accomplished something and like I'm gonna change at least one person's life.

Of course the other wonderful solution is just to give up, collect money, and just travel until I find myself. There's so much stuff out there to explore, to see, to do, to eat, to love, to hate. There's so much stuff and I could be out there instead of in here at a tiny cramped desk wishing my room wasn't so cold. But there are commitments, you know? Everyone has their commitments to something so they can't just take off. Mine are to my mom (finishing college), and to a boy (staying together for the long haul). And it's hard. It's hard to stay committed and on the right path cause there are so many distractions. Sleeping late, skipping classes, traveling instead of studying, being independent, constantly avoiding getting hurt, not having to try. So many things jump in our way and it's a great decision to either follow them or go around.

If you follow, you could lose everything that keeps you grounded. You'd have nothing. But if you ignore them, you  lose that chance, that opportunity to try something and be someone different.

I guess that's why we all try to keep it neutral. We all try to find the right balance, between making independent decisions for ourselves, and staying true to our original path we've set. If you do make a detour, sometimes they lead you to where you're supposed to be. And some are just a distraction to keep you from your goals and your connections.

There's not really a point or conclusion to this post. It's kinda all over the place. That's what my head is like right now. So many different things going on and I don't know what to focus on or what to try and resolve. Things seem kinda bleak right now. I have no idea where I'm headed or I'm doing. And it's only my second week.

Guys... stay fresh.

Weekend Over

So we just had a long weekend cause of Labor Day. A lot of kids went home. Why? There's seriously no point. You've been gone for a week, calm down. My entire weekend consisted of Chey, her fiance, and me watching movies and eating pizza. On Saturday the order got messed up somehow, so we got a $20 pizza for free. Last night, we painted our nails and watched the first Indiana Jones movies. I'd say that's a pretty successful weekend.

Besides being hermits, during the day on Saturday, I drove into Lufkin. Lufkin is the closest city to Nacogdoches, being only 30 minutes away. I was looking forward to a mall or at least a Barnes&Noble. The "mall" was a strip that had a small Sears, a Belks, and I think an Old Navy. But no B&N. My salvation was a small Starbucks.

I got lunch at Schlotzsky's, where I had a ham and cheese sandwich. It was $8.25 of delicious not-worth-it. I stayed there for about an hour, eating and reading. Then I made my way to the Starbucks where I slurped on a venti passion fruit tea lemonade. Soooo good. It's my relax and calm drink. The hot passion fruit tea is also my calming drink.

I haven't had hot tea in so long. I just bought myself a hot chocolate and I've had plenty of coffee, but there's nothing like a hot mug of tea. If Jon were here, he woulda made me some hot tea. I gotta find someone on campus willing to make and drink hot tea with me. We'll wear sweaters and read books and sip our tea while rocking in our chairs. Sounds like Heaven.

Anyway, my weekend was pretty good. What about y'all? Feel free to leave comments and tell me what you got up to during the long union weekend.

Remember always to put on deodorant, cause ya always gotta stay fresh.

Day Five

The school day draws to an end on campus as everyone bustles about. They form in groups and talk loudly on phones, all trying to decide which party they will attend tonight. The frats will have one, the athletes, and possibly the sororities. Full of beers and liquors and sinly good fun. All around, it will be a good night for the college students of SFA.

But I, however, will sit up in the laundry room with Chey as we watch our clothes go 'round and 'round cause the dorm is finally quiet enough, calm enough, empty enough for us to get peace. Because I am not the type to stand out, make a fuss, draw peoples attention, I will miss out on parties, no matter how bad I would like to go. Instead, every Friday night I will sit in the laundry room, watching my clothes go 'round and 'round.

I know, you get it. I'm a sad person with sad feelings who just wants to be accepted. So does everyone else. But the thing is, I was accepted. In high school I had my theatre people, the friends I spent almost every waking hour with. They were who kept me together, swimming, functioning in this sometimes terribly shitty world. But I don't have them anymore and I won't even be going out for this school's theatre until the spring semester. So until then, I'll have Chey and her crazy fiance.

College really isn't all that bad. The people are annoying and the professors can be jerks, but it's not altogether bad. The atmosphere is fun, bright, and very hot. God, it's so hot here. I do believe that if I apply myself, I can change my circumstances and in three years I could be throwing a party that everyone comes to. (Not gonna happen, I don't even like cleaning up after myself.) Just to be involved and part of the "in-crowd" would be nice for once.

But I guess, in the end, I'll always have theatre people.

As always, spread the fresh wherever you go.

Day Three (On the edge of Four)

I think one of the hardest parts for me about being in college is not seeing my boyfriend or talking to him as often. I mean, I knew that would be hard, but this is ridiculous. Especially since my roommate and her fiance are so similar to us. They do things or he says something, and my mind immediately races to the times that we did that or he said those things. It's a hard game.

Many of my friends have experienced long-distance relationships, and I never understood their pain. Hell, Jon and I saw each other nearly every day; at the most we spent three days apart. He had unintentionally become every part of my life. And being away from him... it's like being without air. It feels as if I'll never breathe properly again until I'm wrapped in his arms.

As I'm typing this, it's hard to hold back tears. Chey has no clue I'm writing a blog or trying to keep myself in check, keep the emotions inside. HE has no clue how crazy it drives me when I know he's seen the texts, knows how desperate I am, but decides to ignore it anyway.

Relationships are hard and come in so many varying types. I have always held a close relationship with him, but now, as the one year is coming up two, we seem to be pulling away, sometimes pushing. This seemingly once so close pairing is ripping at the seams and he doesn't see it, doesn't feel it, but I do.

I am ripping at the seams but no ones seems to see it, to hear it, to want to know the truth.

I am a college student who writes a blog to get out those feelings that no ones ever asks about anymore. I'm writing to share my life, my relationship, my love, my fears, my nooks and my crannies. It's a hard knock life out there folks, and I'm not even fully grown.

Remember to stay fresh,
Kaylee

First Post

This is my second day of college life. I have a five hour gap between my only two classes today and I decided to use that time to make a blog. I also went to WalMart and when I got back, there were absolutely no parking spots left. It took me thirty freaking minutes to find a spot, a mile away from my dorm.

Dorm life isn't bad. The girls seem nice and I've met like three guys. One of them is my roommate's fiance, his roommate -who keeps to himself.. and his lady friends *wink, wink*. Oh and this guy I met today who asked me to show him where the laundry room was. So happy I knew that or I wouldn't have gotten to talk to him. He seemed really cool, and super nice.

The library on campus is pretty lame, but there are these couches set up right next to the third floor windows that are perfect for sitting and reading. Reading the book I brought into the library with me. (A book I've read five times through.) But besides that, the Student Center has a Starbucks I would totally check out... except it's across campus and the people at the one across the street are wayyyyy nicer.

Well, that seems like a good enough first post.

Stay fresh my friends.