Exciting News!!!!

So I have some exciting news! I'm adopting a dog! Her name is Cassidy, she's a German Shepard mix, and she's one and half years old. She's a sweet baby and I'm so grateful that I get to be the one who becomes her forever home. I am so excited for this adventure. I will have two babies, and I know it's going to be amazing. 

I got the call this morning from the Humane Society in Lufkin. She told me my application was approved and I'm going to get her tomorrow! Shout out to the Winnie Berry Humane Society of Angelina County. They run a wonderful organization that takes adoption very seriously. Their adoption fees include vaccinations and a microchip. They also call your Vet to make sure the pet is being taken to get their vaccs and heart worm prevention. They take animals health so seriously. I feel honored and proud that I was chosen to get to take her home. 

Cassidy was a seizure dog. Basically this means she was taken from the home she lived in because they were not taking care of her. She isn't completely potty-trained either. The fact she was seized from her home makes the fact they chose me even more amazing. They were making it a priority that the home she went to was one where she wouldn't be given up again or not being taken care of. 

I'm just so happy I get to have her as my dog. It's an amazing feeling. 

Sorry this is so short. I just wanted to gush about my dog. 

Kaylee

Anxiety

I've talked about my anxiety before. The anxiety, the depression, and how those things make me feel. But I've never really discussed how my anxiety effects me, how I react to it, or what the results of an attack are. Everyone experiences their anxiety in different ways. If someone is prone to anxiety attacks, their attacks will effect them differently and they'll react differently from someone else. This is an important topic and something that is very close to me and effects me as a person. 

Besides my anxiety, I have pretty bad anger management issues. From my experience, my anxiety tends to exasperate my anger. I get upset about something messing up, not going my way, or something I just can't wrap my head around, and my anger gets the best of me. Depending on how much it effects me, I will tend to have bouts of screaming, I've scratched myself, pulled my hair, thrown things and slapped myself and other objects in my rage. And while all of that anger is happening, I'm also hyperventilating, crying, and my brain is going a millions miles a minute. My anxiety can get so out of control it triggers the anger in order to gain some kind of control. If I'm angry, I should be in control, right? 

On Saturday, halfway through my regular shift, I began to panic. It was over something really stupid, a misunderstanding between Jon and me. As I became more anxious I started to get angry. The first panic attack ended because I dug my nails into my arm until I could breathe. The second one I wasn't able to end, even though I left red scratch marks on my neck and pulled my hair. The pain can usually snap me out of things, force me to calm down and breathe. I don't condone self harm as a viable method for calming yourself down. But it wasn't until something funny happened in the store that allowed me to laugh and forget what I was so upset about. 

I decided to share about my anxiety because it's a huge part of who I am. Even if it's not something I love or would even like to live with, it's a part of me and I must deal every day with it. It's important for people to know there are others out there who struggle like they do. I struggle every day to keep myself calm, and I wish I had someone I could talk to openly about my anxiety and anger, but I just don't have time to see a counselor now.

I've gotten the suggestion of pills, someone even specifically asked me to talk to my doctor, but I don't want to. I don't want to rely on a pill to make me feel better, to keep me from panicking and getting angry. That control should come from me. Even if it's really hard. 

I hope there are people out there who can relate to this and will find some comfort that they're not alone. If anyone has questions or just wants to talk, feel free to message me through Google+. 

Thanks guys,

Kaylee

PS- I am going to start the process of setting up a blog email for questions and things of that nature. I don't want to use my google email for blog business. 

New Post

I'm supposed to have a post out today. I didn't realize I was so far behind. Last week's post was mostly just a way for me to get some feelings out. The last actual post was on the seventh of March and then I had two vacations.

For spring break I went to South Padre Island to visit my cousin. It was pretty fun. I spent time with my cousin, her boyfriend, and a little bit with her mom. We mostly just hung out, went to the beach, and tried to find some kind of party every night. We weren't always successful. I was just happy to spend time with her.

For Easter break I went to Jon's. We spent almost the entire weekend in the apartment. Thursday and Friday he worked, but on Saturday we went into Austin so we could go to IKEA and do some shopping. Sunday was a lazy day. We spent it with our butts on the couch. It was nice getting some time with him. 

April is going to be a lot of working. This week I work five days in a row. I haven't worked that consistently in a long time. I'm not looking forward to it. It's going to be hard and tiring. And the weekend after I'm switching shifts around with someone and I have auditions for my Beginning Acting class. But then the glorious weekend of the 22nd-24th. I'm working Thursday, but I'll be going home for the weekend cause I have a party. I was originally going to go see my best friend that weekend but my aunt was asking me to come, and my other aunt is possibly bringing me furniture. I'll also get to see Jon for a day. It'll be the one and only day I see him between March 27th and a week after school gets out. Almost two months. 

I really don't have much to say. This is just kind of a catch up from the last few weeks. I'd still like to do an analysis of Howl's Moving Castle, but I'm going to need some time for that. I just don't have it in me right now. Maybe in a couple weeks. 

That's all for now. 

Stay fresh ya dorks. 

Kaylee

I hate this day. Everything decided to go wrong at once. My classes were fine, those were a breeze, even though I had been up until 5 AM putting together a project a piece for them. Again, classes were not the problem.

Found out Jon won't be coming to my sorority formal, and I'll only be able to see him for one day during April. Not that he bothered to explain why.

And that was the first thing that happened to me when I woke up.

I left my first class to find my car getting a parking ticket. Appealing that bullshit.

I was then late to my second class, but it was fine because she hadn't started anything yet. The project in that class went perfectly.

And then, for god knows what reason, hell decided it was going to make me its bitch. Besides being disappointed because of two things my boyfriend did, I also found out that some information was given to me wrong regarding a sorority event but I had already told the person covering for me that he didn't need to. I've been searching for someone to take my shift since 3 this afternoon.

That's not even the worst of it.

I just need someone to cover me for THREE HOURS but none of those fuckers will do it. So I have to miss out on something really important to me because my fucking co-workers are all assholes. I'm not asking for that much. It's three freaking hours and you get to go back to your life before anything exciting starts.

This has been one of the worst days I've had. I'm trying not to cry in the middle of the library while I type. This is the first time I've wanted to hurt myself in months. I'm just feeling so angry and sad and my anxiety is on a fucking roller coaster. I'm so tired of this fucking place. I can't wait until I'm home.

I'm just so done.



There's no editing and I'm not sharing it. If you happen to check my blog (since I didn't update on Monday), you'll see it. Otherwise, that's it.

Kaylee.

In Which Kaylee Describes Her Awesome Week

Soooo, some pretty cool stuff happened to me the past two weeks. First is that I purchased a plane ticket for South Padre. I haven't been on a plane since I was in the forth grade, so this is going to be quite an experience for me. Luckily the flight is only about an hour and a half. I'm very excited to see my cousin soon. Though I only get a few days with her, it's going to be awesome. And hopefully, by next summer, I can make my way out there again. Then we can go out to bars, and have a real Padre experience.

Second, I got my writing mojo back. I'm actually writing again -sparsely- and it feels so good. I get excited to write these posts, and I write them early because I want to get it all out. This feeling, and energy for writing is so good. I hope it decides to stay for a while.

Third, I read two books in about a week and a half! I'd been nibbling my way through Remembrance (by Meg Cabot, http://www.megcabot.com/) and was under halfway through, when all of a sudden on Monday I started chomping at it. By Tuesday I was over halfway done, and then at 5 AM, early on Wednesday morning, I finished the book, tears forming in my eyes. By lunch that day, I was nearly halfway through another book. I didn't get much time for reading on Thursday or Friday, but between the hours of 12 AM and 3 AM on Saturday morning, I finished Howl's Moving Castle (by Diana Wynne Jones, it's also a Studio Ghibli anime). It was my second time reading this book, and god did I pick up on things a lot more clearly. I'd love to do a thorough analysis and critic of the book. I might start it later this week and post it on the blog.

Fourth, the most important.... Two of my famous people actually noticed me. I tweeted out after I finished Remembrance about how great it was, and Meg Cabot, the real one, actually liked my tweet. Not only that, but she also followed me! (I'm sure it's publicists or whatever, but let me DREAM.)

And then early this morning (it's currently 3:30 AM), I took a picture of a poster my friends found and tweeted out to Toby Turner (better known as Tobuscus on YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/user/Tobuscus) and he liked it! I know it was actually him and not a publicist because he's not famous enough yet to need someone to monitor his social media. And that makes it even cooler!

While those things may seem small, they make me incredibly happy. It was such an experience to realize that people you consider to be rock stars and celebrities actually took the time to notice you for ten seconds. I felt so good, and that's what matters.

Y'all have a great day.
Kaylee